Out with the Old and In with the NEW

Holy SHIT! I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted last. I've lost track of time, been lost in my crazy world of ...CRAZY and have just been plowing through life at warp speed. So much has changed for me over the last couple years. I've lost friends, gained friends, mended fences, moved a couple times and journeyed through some major life transformations. Overall...I'd say....Life is Pretty fucking AMAZING.

When I read the initial description of the blog, I realized: the bitch that wrote it had 3 kids! Now, this bitch has 4...FOUR..1+1+1+1...KIDS. Have we never heard of birth control...damn.  Despite the high number ( and I know woman who are perfectly content with a higher kids:parent ratio), having 4 kids is...easy. Yes, easy.  I'm sure some one who just read what I wrote think I'm high. I'm not. I might wish I was some days, but right now I'm completely sober and completely honest...it's EASY. You know when you can admit that 4 kids aren't killing you , it's the right number for your family. Not every fucking day is easy, some super suck. But the average consensus between my husband and I is that we'll survive and they'll survive. We have FUN and run with it.

How can 4 kids be easy?  Honestly, I don't have a great philosophical answer for anyone. What has been a tried and true approach for us is:

 Get our head out of your ass: Don't sit around all depressed because you don't know what the fuck to do. Be proactive in problem solving how shit is going to work [for your family]. Don't expect to keep said head shoved up ass, hoping that someone feels bad enough for your dumb ass to come rescue you and do the work. You got pregnant, not them.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself because you have a surprise pregnancy:  "OMG...how could this have possibly happened to us?"  You fucking know....insert slot A into slot B....DUH...MORON!!! DEAL, COPE, Move-the-hell -on.

Suck it up:  Crying in a puddle will only get you more behind on laundry, dishes, a clean house, interaction with your children, appointments. ...And on and on and one. It's never-ending....even when you break down....it's piling up exponentially. You're losing family time. Life time. You're missing memories.  Get it together shithead.

which brings me to...

Get your shit together:  It really is self explanatory. Collect yourself from the floor and recognize that only you can be proactive in your problem solving. Again, quit blaming every else and making yourself a sob story....and get shit done. Drag your ass out of bed in the morning, drink your coffee...pick up dirty laundry with a kid on your hip and cereal in your hair. Kiss the kids, hug the husband, do the laundry, do the dishes....shit has got to get done.

Once you plow through the mental and emotional shit that comes with this many kids...or more than this..or even less than this, you can move on with life. So many people operate on the "woe is me" platform that is makes me physically ill. We all have depression, we're all crazy, we all fight with our husbands and we all fuck up this parenting shit on a daily basis. No one...NO ONE...is responsible for the situation you're in but YOU!!! (and your significant other, of course). Don't put the guilt of your psychosis on others. Don't alienate people because you're the fuck up and need to project. Deal with life...DEAL WITH IT ASSHOLE!

And now to address the people who just read this and think I'm targeting them: FUCK OFF! Seriously people...this is my raw truth. This is a journey I've just plowed through. This was me. Sad, sorry, depressed, angry and fat. I woke up one day and ALL BY MYSELF realized....I only have once chance to not fuck life and my kids up. So, starting that day...I pulled myself up, held myself to a higher standard and got shit done. I lost almost 130 lbs, pursued things that I loved, made myself a priority and with all this came mental stability. I'm happier, I'm more in love with my life, husband and children. I'm HAPPY! When you recognize that only you can start and complete your journey...you'll have an easier time not depending on and blaming everyone. You'll be less resentful and mean. Overall, people will like you more. If you currently have a problem with people not liking you, your kids are driving you nuts, you hate them and you think the world is against you...Look in the mirror. The asshole in the equation: YOU!

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Angry and Hurt

By the people who are supposed to be "safe.". This week I'm good enough...Well, I'm not sure I want to be. I'm not even sure I want you as a friend. I was practically nothing when I needed you, and suddenly I'm allowed back in your life. How convenient for everyone BUT ME!

Again, I won't apologize for what I have, but I've spent years protecting my family from people who are hot and cold depending on my current "ranking" in their life. I don't need that. I've lived a lifetime of that behavior. I keep thinking I am choosing friends who will enhance my life, and I was/am wrong repeatedly.

I'll depend on myself, as usual, for support.

Memoirs of Truth

In my life, I've realized that my intense friendships last a matter of years and then fizzle. I really thought as I grew up, I'd grow out of this dilemma. Unfortunately, it seems a pattern repeats itself indefinitely. I have been thinking about this over the last couple of months as I progress into my pregnancy. People who I've always thought I could count on have stepped back, and on more than one occasion, I feel as if I am being punished for my pregnancy.

These last few months are when I really needed my friends. Needed someone to support me! When the ultrasound showed possible complications, I did not turn to who I thought would support me. They didn't ask, I didn't tell. If there's no show of concern, what is the point of inclusion? If anyone is upset because I am on my 4th child, I don't care anymore.

I've been through enough prenatal complications and miscarriages that I do not have to defend myself for having more children. I should not feel guilty because I have been 4 times blessed. And I certainly SHOULD NOT have to tiptoe around my supposed friends and not proclaim my extreme happiness.

That being said, let me give you a little insight to MY heartbreak. If people do not think I could possibly understand. Think again, I understand about losing a baby more times than I can count on one hand. My first pregnancy was ectopic. I was pumped full of drugs, IV's, etc to flush the baby from my tubes. Luckily it was successful, but followed by an invasive, embarassing procedure which scraped the baby out of my uterus. I did this ALONE.

My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 13 weeks. I was excited, I ordered baby stuff without thinking, picked out a crib and was fully into baby mode. Then I began spotting and cramping. 4 days after my HCG level started to decline, I started bleeding heavily and passed the embryo. PASSED the EMBRYO!  If you think I could never understand, try to imagine holding your dead 13 week dream in your hands and not knowing what to do with it! That was the worst and it still breaks my heart to think about it, even as I write. So again, I've been there my so called friends. And after repeating this scenerio another 5 times, I deserve every child I have or give birth to.

Just because I've been lucky enough to have my children, doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for those who have experience similar heart break. I have tried to be supportive in more ways than I can count. I have prayed for the heart break to go away for my friends. What I have never done is condemn any friend of mine for being blessed enough to have a baby while I was losing mine. They were not responsible for my misfortune, why should I be any less of a friend to them when they are clearly happy? I will always support my friend's happiness no matter how I am feeling in my heart.

So, before people want to be elitists and judge my situation, or my lack of self control/birth control (or whatever their theory may be), think about what I've already lost over 10 years. What is so awful about trying to gain a little bit of the heart break back? I didn't do it at anyone's expense. It wasn't done to upset or hurt anyone. Our baby was made from love and my children have recovered me from the depths of heartbreak that I didn't imagine I'd ever overcome.

Yes, 4 is a big number and it wasn't a number I expected to have in my wildest dreams. #4 was not planned or envisioned in the least bit. When we first found out, we were shocked and scared. A couple weeks after the shock wore off, we went into planning mode. And we're happy, excited, ecstatic and any other fuzzy word that applies to being over the moon!

Be happy for me, be my friend, support me for once, but don't fake a friendship if there isn't one. I can spot bull shit from a miles away. And while I am better at faking it than most, the game is old and I am tired. I don't want people in my life who aren't happy for me or supportive.

Huh, Why didn't I think of that? Genius!

How to Treat a Woman and Keep Her

Ladies...If you can't seem to explain what you want and why, pass this along to your man/hubby/bitch...etc.

And if that doesn't work, just get the fucking baseball bat and put them out of your misery.

Futher Mucking A!

As I round into another lovely year in Alaska, I realize a few things......

The first thing I realize as I head into the depths of the 5th anniversary of our Alaska arrival; that friendship obviously doesn't last in this deep abyss of a shithole they call a town. People swarm on you because you're new meat...and then they eventually die away. You still have a few stragglers that are like maggots on rotting flesh...they'll hang around until they grow the fuck up. Unfortunately, that could take years, as I've noticed, or not happen at all.

The second thing I've come to realize:  There is no loyalty. While loyalty is important to me, it's a mother fucking novelty to others. I've also started to notice, the higher the paycheck, the less trustworthy the person. A "hypothetical" example: go straight to the top here at Fort Greedy and you have some crazy, untrustworthy, sketchy ass people who don't give a damn about moral and pick names out of a hat for who gets screwed for the week. One word: Classy. Two words: Grow up. Three words: Just leave already!

In addition to the skewed definition of loyalty here...people forgot how to be friends on their journey to the Alaskan frontier. I expect this happens as you pass through or over the Canadian border. I'm not sure if there is a occipital lobe or brain cell drop off box, or if it's customary to just smack travelers with an aluminum bat...either way...serious mature adult skills lack. What happened to support friends through tough times, checking on them, or just showing some overall compassion instead of making everything a selfish endeavor. I have never disliked so many people at once in my life, and for anyone who knows me( that's a feat)...I hate everything and everybody unless proven otherwise.

In the end, it all comes down to survival (surviving me that is):

*Don't fucking use me...I am so over that scenerio.

*Don't be a bitch for no reason. If you have a reason, just grow a pair of balls and fucking tell me. I don't like games.

*If you don't comply with the first 2...It's game on.

*and if you think the third one is a joke...refer to the second one...I don't like games, I don't fucking play them.

What right do I have to write this: I'm pulling my membership card to:

www.heartlessbitchesinternational.com

Fight Like a Girl - you don't qualify

I really have had another post in the works about a story I wanted to share, but that will have to be later because I have a rant I need to share.

Today I got some news that my ever so loving extended family once again had confirmation of being fucked up beyond belief. I don't know how many of you have families that you can depend on 100%, but my family you can ABSOLUTELY depend on them...to rake you over the coals and stab you in the heart.  Isn't it great to have someone to depend on.  So,  Deb...you think being a sister to my Dad is so much more important than being his daughter....Look up the genetics since you're so fucking brilliant.  Ladies and gentlemen, this miserable bitch made a comment about me and my deceased dad that went something like "I've been his sister way longer than they have been his kids."  Good for you, you vile, spiteful, heinous BITCH!  Let me list a few reasons why your logic is flawed...beyond belief!

Reasons why you aren't the more important relative in relation to my dad:

1) Genetics....duh asshole.  If I need to explain this one, well I guess there's no point in numbering the rest because you wouldn't know what order to go in.

2) He loved me more.  Think what you want, but it's true.

3) I'm nicer. Not by much, but hell, the devil has kinder words to say

4) I'm happier. It obviously has to be true if you make hateful remarks as the one above in relation to a fucking proper headstone to my dead father.

5) I'm better looking.  This is just a given, but a sumo wrestler is also better looking

6) My dad thought you were a bitch...it shouldn't be hard to prove because so does everyone else

7) I know how to form meaningful relationships with people, you know how to destroy them.

I am quite sure I can number to 50, but I want to end on this note: Please remember (while you''re insulting my dad's daughter, who is so awful because she is half of him...) the number of beatings he took for you. Maybe if you didn't fuck up so much he wouldn't have had so many beating.....but you're perfect, so never mind.

I think I have now successfully matched her hatred and cruelty.  An eye for an eye...or a heart for a heart.....? It can't be the latter she doesn't have one.

Ode to the Lowther's

It was brought to my attention this morning, that in all my blogging, I've left out one of my nearest and dearest friends...Lindsay. And of course her wonderful husband Mike, but he doesn't come in until later, so.....

I'm not gonna lie, when I first met Lindsay on the bus, I thought she was a snob.  And there really could only be one of us like that.  I didn't think we could be friends. I couldn't have been more wrong.  Through many things we've been through.  Crazy BF moms, hot red Marilyn Monroe dresses, botched hair dye jobs, and babies and weddings.

From a bus ride to school to bridesmaids in each other's wedding...it's been a long ride, and not a single bump.  How do you seriously have a friend for almost 20 years and not have  SINGLE argument.  Or at least one that I remember.  She must be a good person, right........which brings me to the biggest decision I've ever had to make, the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and Linsday and Mike.

The Mike and Lindsay Union is the match made in heaven.  He's great, she's crazy, he accepts it, and she gets some pretty awesome gifts from the man, even after all that crazy!  In all the crazy, they have decided not to have kids...Who doesn't want kids, seriously.  Who doesn't want to have jelly on the couch, their shit ruined, gray hair, hospital visits, no intimate vacations, no privacy, no saneness, and no room in closets for their own shit, because their kids have the most clothing.  I guess they'd like to be the happy married couple not fighting about raising kids, disciplining kids..etc. Just strange I tell you...........But working to my advantage. How so you ask?  These two suckers, Mike and Linsday.....have been entrusted with the care of our children and estate in the event that anything happens to Pete and I.  We asked after they were married. We asked again after Kaidence was born, and again after Hunter was born.  Each time they said yes.  Maybe they honestly and truly believe that the children will never have to be in their care........because if someone came up to me and said "Hey, I hate to ruin your perfectly sane life, but would you be the guardian of the Browning children F0REVER if anything should happen to their children?"  I'd say F and then NO!

Haven't you heard the stories you two? Don't you know what kind of children I have.  They aren't "plug into the TV and read a book" type of children. They are "hyper active, climb the walls, constantly in trouble, crazy children!" And you will still take them.  I'll admit, the monetary perks that come with them would be a motivation, but then refer back to the actual children.....ummm...not so much.  No amount of money would be enough to purposefully flip my world upside down and start a new life.  So crazy Lowther's......you're crazy.

How do I know these people are THE people that can be trusted forever with my children.  It is not only a mother's instinct, it also is rational, smart, well thought out and makes perfect sense.  I know my family is a little butt hurt about this decision, and if you're reading this..........I don't give a fuck.  You make decision about your own kids, and we make ours about our own. OUR decision, no one else's.  Rant over.....story continues....Mike and Lindsay have no kids, they probably won't have any kids, so perfect.....my kids would be the kids, and there is no competition.  If something happens to us, I want my kids spoiled rotten, yet disciplined well, and the center of the Universe.  I think the best place for that is in a home without other children to compete with.  Also, I consider these two financially responsible. I don't want my children in a home where paycheck to paycheck situations dictate the mood and lifestyle. Granted the children come with sizable financial compensation, but they are Browning children. It may never be enough. There is also the Gymboree clause, that Lindsay knows so well....My children are to be dressed in Gymboree clothing only, as they are now, because their mother is a label whore.  And last, but not least, I know Mike and Lindsay could love my children the way I love them and make sure they have every opportunity in life they deserve as well as encourage them to be the best people they can be.

Who better than the Lowther's to make my children their own.  Peter's first matching  outfit (by Absorba) a little cream and yellow rabbit with matching hat......Peter's first little train set for his first BDay, Kaidence first purse........Whether they want children or not, they are in tune to them.  I 100% stand by my decision, even if I have seen Lindsay in with badly dyed bleach blonde helmet hair!

My dear Mike and Lindsay- get your asses to Alaska! I see you go to casino's, Bahamas, yet, no Alaska, shameful. Just Shameful. And for the record, we are done having children. No additional nightmares to worry about! But be afraid of these 3, they are our clones.you got screwed! hahahahahahahahaha!

Men are just wittle babies with slightly bigger brains

First off, let me remind everyone that I do like my husband. In fact, I love him a ton.  Sometimes though I do have things to complain about and neither of us are perfect!

Wednesday I woke up with Strep. I was miserable. I seriously just wanted to put myself out of my misery.  Instead, I held on to a gleam of hope that when I got home, my husband would be there to sooth, comfort, and  nurse me back to health.  Yeah fucking right.  Just pure bullshit.  Instead I got pissed off and felt worse.

I had the chills so went and soaked in the tub. After, I just wanted to sit on the couch bundled up and close my eyes.  Pete was supposed to be taking care of kids.  Instead, he was making the kids cry, making the house messier and couldn't figure out what to feed kids.  "Honey, what should i feed kids for dinner." "honey, where are the wipes." "Honey, where is the diaper rash cream." and on and on and on.  I mean seriously.  How about you make the kids a fucking PB and J sandwich, and start opening your eyes and looking for the rest of the shit.  I'm literally gonna pass out from the entire strenuous day and being sick, and in a pantry full of food can't come up with a dinner idea? That's just dumb. He was like Scuttle the seagull from the Little Mermaid, but instead of saying "This is this, and that is that" he was saying "where is this, and what is that." I just don't understand why moms being sick is much much less important that everyone else.  Who the fuck do these men think takes care of everything for them always.  Seriously, out of 365 days, I ask for one day to be taken care of and you are utterly clueless.

And........now Pete has strep. He has that pathetic "help me" look in his eyes.  I'll help you all right! I'll help you stay awake and make sure the kids are louder than usual. I'll help you to the kitchen, so you can make the family dinner while you're sick. I'll help you feel desperate for 5 minutes of silence. I'll help you by giving you a swift kick in the ass. Cause guess what buddy...If I didn't get to ride first class on the pity plane, there's no way in fucking hell that you are! So, take that and your pathetic couch drop and SUCK IT!


Oh and Honey, I hope you feel better soon. Let me know if there's anything you need! NOT!

Ugh, it has literally been the winter from hell with the Brownings here in Alaska.  Just one chaotic situation after another and sickness after sickness.
So, we've moved, again.  I'm over it. If i ever have to move again, we're buying a fucking motor home and selling all our craigslist shit.  Yes, I said craigslist. While I may be a snob when it come to my kids and their attire, upbringing/education, when it comes to myself, I'd rather buy items from craigslist that I know are solid wood or excellent construction than buy something cheap and composite that will flake apart in a matter of years.  That being said, let's move back to the motor home. I just fucking refuse to move again. I am always the one to pack and label everything.  I am always the one to unpack everything, and even if I don't move the boxes from point A to point B, whoever does, manages to fuck it all up. They put shit where I can't find it, then I become a raging psychotic bitch that no one can handle. Which they don't have to handle because I rule everything. EVERYTHING.

Speaking of ruling everything..............I managed to convince my loving and gullible husband that I needed a puppy. Which I did, I swear.  So, yes, we have 4 dogs. But let's face it. My floors are usually cleaner than people without animals or with just one.  Dogs define who I am. They make me feel like I didn't fuck up their life by whatever decision I didn't or did make.  I get my goodnight kisses from them no matter what! And I have some good dogs. Well behaved. They don't have accidents. Only one is destructive cause he's mental;) But I love him despite his being "special." So, a puppy we searched for, a puppy we paid for and a puppy we brought home.  The bringing home part was a bitch.

Pete was supposed to get Tuesday off(to go with me), he didn't. I was going to go Wednesday by myself to get the puppy....with 5 kids......adventurous. Kristina, who would have normally helped out with some kids was sick, so I was gong to take them. I woke up with strep.  I was so sore and sleepy from no sleep and swollen glands that I wanted to shoot myself. I dragged myself to the clinic (5 kids in tow), the Dr. refused to give me a pcn shot, and gave me Zpak instead, which has a 20% fail rate.  Well, we here at the Browning house live life by Murphy's Law, so of course the fail rate would apply to me. Anyways, the 2 hour drive to meet the breeders in Fairbanks was indeed hell.  I could barely stay awake. And the kids were loud.  I like silence in my car. No music, no games, no talking, just silence. Yeah, it's bitchy, but I deserve to have some place that is quiet and I demand it's in my car. My kids understand, the extra kids don't. Ugh.  When we got there I tried to run errands. Peter and a girl I babysit refused to stay by me.  I don't give a fuck what other parents do, or how other kids act with their parents. When you're with me in any store of any size, you keep your happy ass right by my side. You don't stray, you don't touch, you don't ask, you don't fucking misbehave period! Every rule was broken.  By the time we left the store, each kid probably has a swollen forehead from getting flicked for being naughty. And, my finger hurt from the flicking.

Off to get Hannibal, we met the breeders, got the puppers, and ran more errands.

Next store......Sam's.  A little better, not by much. The kids were OK, but one of them just kept hanging out of the cart and every time I tried to turn the Philippine made cheap ass cart, she'd smack her elbows on boxes and whatever was there.  She'd cry but insist on hanging out still.  I just started running into things on purpose to see how long it took her to get her whole body inside the cart like I had asked numerous times.  She never did. Brilliance at it's best.

Then it was lunch time. Everyone wanted McDonald's...ummm..............no.  1) they are overpriced 2) they make me and my kids sick every time 3) I'm mean and anything they asked for they weren't getting. See how they like it!  So, decided at stupid Sam's to eat there.  Everyone got pizza and water (they wanted soda and sugary drinks).......and 2 of the 5 kids were so butt hurt they had tears in their eyes because they didn't get McDonald's and soda.  When we were done, we went to car, and Hannibal shit in the crate.  The whole van smelled like shit.  So, not only did I throw up twice on the two hour drive to Fairbanks, but I threw up a third from cleaning up puppy poop.  I doubt it would have been so bad if I wasn't sick, but i puked all over Sam's Club parking lot.....which was kinda cool since I hate their company and think they are economical Nazi's.  Crisis taken care of, last errand. Wal-Mart, the other Nazi company.  I was too flustered and pissed at the kids to even finish my list and I left the store.  Kids that weren't mine were asking if they could have everything they went past. Kaidence was crying because she couldn't ride the Penny Horse.  I said "fuck it" to the whole operation and left the store.

I was heading across town in Fairbanks, after WM fail, and the intersections were icy. At one stop light the van just kept sliding on the ice. I was close the rear ending a car and was able to drive to car into the cement median and stopped it short of hitting the guy in front of me. While being proud of myself for avoiding an accident and being clever by doing so, I noticed the guy I ALMOST hit was not as elated. That little wisp of a reject man actually got out of his car to yell at me.  He came up to my window and started screaming.  At one point, his spit hit me and his head was inside the vehicle. I guess "back off, my kids are in the car, and I have no problem hitting you next time" weren't enough to make him go away. I leaned over to the glove box and he wanted to know why I needed to get my insurance stuff.  My response: "I'm not getting my insurance you stupid fuck, I'm grabbing my gun." Poof......man gone.  Just like magic. Black magic. I also hope I gave him strep because I had only been on antibiotics for 4 hours.

Quiet ride home, puppy slept, kids slept, very peaceful.  Still sick and fighting sleep, but better than listening to "123 NOT IT" or off key singing from some jiggy ass music that I wouldn't even listen to.

And Yes, I did name my puppy Hannibal Lechter.  If anyone ever questions my character, refer them to the name of my puppy, and questions will cease, I promise.