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Angry and Hurt

By the people who are supposed to be "safe.". This week I'm good enough...Well, I'm not sure I want to be. I'm not even sure I want you as a friend. I was practically nothing when I needed you, and suddenly I'm allowed back in your life. How convenient for everyone BUT ME!

Again, I won't apologize for what I have, but I've spent years protecting my family from people who are hot and cold depending on my current "ranking" in their life. I don't need that. I've lived a lifetime of that behavior. I keep thinking I am choosing friends who will enhance my life, and I was/am wrong repeatedly.

I'll depend on myself, as usual, for support.

Memoirs of Truth

In my life, I've realized that my intense friendships last a matter of years and then fizzle. I really thought as I grew up, I'd grow out of this dilemma. Unfortunately, it seems a pattern repeats itself indefinitely. I have been thinking about this over the last couple of months as I progress into my pregnancy. People who I've always thought I could count on have stepped back, and on more than one occasion, I feel as if I am being punished for my pregnancy.

These last few months are when I really needed my friends. Needed someone to support me! When the ultrasound showed possible complications, I did not turn to who I thought would support me. They didn't ask, I didn't tell. If there's no show of concern, what is the point of inclusion? If anyone is upset because I am on my 4th child, I don't care anymore.

I've been through enough prenatal complications and miscarriages that I do not have to defend myself for having more children. I should not feel guilty because I have been 4 times blessed. And I certainly SHOULD NOT have to tiptoe around my supposed friends and not proclaim my extreme happiness.

That being said, let me give you a little insight to MY heartbreak. If people do not think I could possibly understand. Think again, I understand about losing a baby more times than I can count on one hand. My first pregnancy was ectopic. I was pumped full of drugs, IV's, etc to flush the baby from my tubes. Luckily it was successful, but followed by an invasive, embarassing procedure which scraped the baby out of my uterus. I did this ALONE.

My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 13 weeks. I was excited, I ordered baby stuff without thinking, picked out a crib and was fully into baby mode. Then I began spotting and cramping. 4 days after my HCG level started to decline, I started bleeding heavily and passed the embryo. PASSED the EMBRYO!  If you think I could never understand, try to imagine holding your dead 13 week dream in your hands and not knowing what to do with it! That was the worst and it still breaks my heart to think about it, even as I write. So again, I've been there my so called friends. And after repeating this scenerio another 5 times, I deserve every child I have or give birth to.

Just because I've been lucky enough to have my children, doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for those who have experience similar heart break. I have tried to be supportive in more ways than I can count. I have prayed for the heart break to go away for my friends. What I have never done is condemn any friend of mine for being blessed enough to have a baby while I was losing mine. They were not responsible for my misfortune, why should I be any less of a friend to them when they are clearly happy? I will always support my friend's happiness no matter how I am feeling in my heart.

So, before people want to be elitists and judge my situation, or my lack of self control/birth control (or whatever their theory may be), think about what I've already lost over 10 years. What is so awful about trying to gain a little bit of the heart break back? I didn't do it at anyone's expense. It wasn't done to upset or hurt anyone. Our baby was made from love and my children have recovered me from the depths of heartbreak that I didn't imagine I'd ever overcome.

Yes, 4 is a big number and it wasn't a number I expected to have in my wildest dreams. #4 was not planned or envisioned in the least bit. When we first found out, we were shocked and scared. A couple weeks after the shock wore off, we went into planning mode. And we're happy, excited, ecstatic and any other fuzzy word that applies to being over the moon!

Be happy for me, be my friend, support me for once, but don't fake a friendship if there isn't one. I can spot bull shit from a miles away. And while I am better at faking it than most, the game is old and I am tired. I don't want people in my life who aren't happy for me or supportive.

Huh, Why didn't I think of that? Genius!

How to Treat a Woman and Keep Her

Ladies...If you can't seem to explain what you want and why, pass this along to your man/hubby/bitch...etc.

And if that doesn't work, just get the fucking baseball bat and put them out of your misery.

Futher Mucking A!

As I round into another lovely year in Alaska, I realize a few things......

The first thing I realize as I head into the depths of the 5th anniversary of our Alaska arrival; that friendship obviously doesn't last in this deep abyss of a shithole they call a town. People swarm on you because you're new meat...and then they eventually die away. You still have a few stragglers that are like maggots on rotting flesh...they'll hang around until they grow the fuck up. Unfortunately, that could take years, as I've noticed, or not happen at all.

The second thing I've come to realize:  There is no loyalty. While loyalty is important to me, it's a mother fucking novelty to others. I've also started to notice, the higher the paycheck, the less trustworthy the person. A "hypothetical" example: go straight to the top here at Fort Greedy and you have some crazy, untrustworthy, sketchy ass people who don't give a damn about moral and pick names out of a hat for who gets screwed for the week. One word: Classy. Two words: Grow up. Three words: Just leave already!

In addition to the skewed definition of loyalty here...people forgot how to be friends on their journey to the Alaskan frontier. I expect this happens as you pass through or over the Canadian border. I'm not sure if there is a occipital lobe or brain cell drop off box, or if it's customary to just smack travelers with an aluminum bat...either way...serious mature adult skills lack. What happened to support friends through tough times, checking on them, or just showing some overall compassion instead of making everything a selfish endeavor. I have never disliked so many people at once in my life, and for anyone who knows me( that's a feat)...I hate everything and everybody unless proven otherwise.

In the end, it all comes down to survival (surviving me that is):

*Don't fucking use me...I am so over that scenerio.

*Don't be a bitch for no reason. If you have a reason, just grow a pair of balls and fucking tell me. I don't like games.

*If you don't comply with the first 2...It's game on.

*and if you think the third one is a joke...refer to the second one...I don't like games, I don't fucking play them.

What right do I have to write this: I'm pulling my membership card to:

www.heartlessbitchesinternational.com