The Desperate for Sanity Housewife

Well, once again, the adventures of the Browning family come through in a big big way! I wanted to leave for Fairbanks at 10AM. I woke up at 9:40am, but was going to still make it out the door…..WRONG! Kaidence decided to throw a fit! What about you ask? She wanted to wear her new Tutu to Fairbanks. Fine, I’ll bite, but a pink Tutu with lime green underwear...not so much sister. We fought about bloomers or tights for an half an hour. Then she settles on tights….Fine, except for she wanted a shirt and just tights. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE TUTU? Well, she wasn’t wearing it now, just the tights. Wrong again princess! So after another half an hour, a few swats on her ass, and a hissy fit that Guiness Book couldn’t beat…Tutu and tights adorned my little Diva. An hour later than expected I was on the road. I forgot cereal for the kids to eat in the car, so I stopped and grabbed a bag of yucky ass Fruit Loops from a friend’s pantry on the way to town. (I never let my kids eat shit like this, so they were thrilled.)


Half way into the trip, Kaidence says she has to puke! AWESOME! So, I wretch the car to the side of the road and run around to the side she’s on and tried to open the door. The Mother Fucking door is locked, because it automatically locks at 25 miles an hour, but wouldn’t you know, the bastard doesn’t unlock automatically EVER! So, it’s locked, and I see Kaidence start to gag. So, on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, I start pounding on the window telling Peter to unbuckle and unlocked the door! It all happened in slow motion, I heard it before I saw it…The spastic thrashing and then the puke…FLYING! Holy Shit, I didn’t make it on time. It was everywhere! So, I start stripping her down in the car, tossing her dirty clothes on the side of the road, searching for something to wear. She ended up wearing a shirt and the god damned tights. Looks like she won after all.

Progressing into the day, I went straight to the consignment shop once I got into town in search of a nursing cover (that Kaidence plastered in puke in the car), clothes for Kaidence, and a new baby sling. It took 30 minutes to figure out the fancy slings, and most wouldn’t even buckle correctly over my HUGE FAT ASS! While I was determining what sling I wanted, Peter, who I told to not touch anything, decided to hand and swing from the handle of the cart, tipped the cart, and the car seat in the cart, and the baby in the car seat. Of course, Hunter wasn’t buckled in, because I was putting him in and out of the slings that did fit around my fat ass. As the cart tipped, I pivoted on my right foot, dove to the ground, and barely, just barely caught the baby, while the cart came crashing onto my head. I was going to flip, but considering the store had cameras, I decided to make a less obvious approached, so I just flicked him (Peter) hard in the forehead and told him I wasn’t done. I then grabbed both kids, bend down to their levels and whispered anything but sweet nothing into their ears. Basically I threatened them…they had better behave.

Moving on: Leaving the store, Kaidence and Peter decided to run ahead of me and out the doors towards the parking lot. I was running after them and told them to stop, neither one listened to me. So, I told them to come to the car for their spanking. At this time, a kid comes over and is trying to solicit money from some sun catchers made of seashells yada yada….So I asked him to hold on for a minute because I had to spanks my kids. I got Kaidence into the car, spanked her ass on the way in, and had to chase Peter for his. Then he hops in the car all pissed and crying, and trust me, the spanking could have been way better. I promptly turn to the kid selling his whatshamajigers, and said “And now, If you’d like to call the police on me for beating my kids, please do, I’ll wait, I needed a break real bad anyways!” My friend who met me at the store laughed, her mom busted a gut, and the kid stood dumb founded.

And then….I went to McDonalds for the dirty ass germ infested play land. My friend is going to stay with them while I run my errands real quick. We get in, order their food, I threaten them if they take off their shoes, and I’m off. Went to Lowe’s got my totes for the rest of my packing and moving. Ran to Wal-Mart to finish my list of shit I needed to get. As I am rushing to the checkout lane, I noticed someone coming up fast in the next aisle, so I stopped my cart to let them through. They just stood there. So, I just stood there. I mean, if someone is going to let you go, go you Jack-ass. Well, after finally looking to confront the person, I realized the Jack-ass was my reflection in the mirror. True story I swear. SO as I check out, I get a call. A lady in Lowe’s parking lot ran over my check book and picked it up. So, I ran back to Lowes, got my check book, and back to the McDonalds play land.

Once I am there….my friend informs me that Kaidence is on the top layer of this massive play structure, crying and won’t come down. And since she is 9 months pregnant, she is unable to perform the search and rescue mission. So, the fat ass that was too fat for a majority of baby slings, had to maneuver to the top of the play structure, with a finale of climbing up a slide to retrieve the DIVA. Again, Kaidence won!

To wrap it up, I was 2 hours late to a BDAY party, and I totally forgot to get something to eat all day. So, when I finally did get home, I look at the fridge like a rabid dog looks at his next victims.

For the record – my children are not allowed to act the way they did today, and it royally pissed me off, but they are kids and they aren’t good every single day, but I can only hope. And, if you don’t spank your child, and disagree with my methods….read my very first blog. ENJOY!